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This is probably the hardest post I have written so far. I hope it is finished now because the time has come to post it already!

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But I have thought it over and I admit that writing that would be partly irresponsible because it would be blaming the Orthodox community for something which is my fault and my fault alone which is not getting professional mental help earlier.

It was maybe two years ago that I started feeling even sadder than before about being single. What you should be saying is not “what kind of religion is this” but instead “if she is feeling so bad why did she not seek help earlier?

It was not only being single, there was also my health issue and some other things and I started feeling even sadder than before. Then I could have made an informed decision to avoid becoming almost suicidal by breaking halacha. I would have been making decisions more consciously and feeling more strong about them. The important thing I am saying is that what was important was not necessarily deciding to be not S. ”Instead of getting help when I should have I did nothing and the feelings got worse and worse.

If I had seen a therapist then perhaps I would have worked out my issues better. Perhaps I (or other people in a similar situation) may have come to the conclusion that indeed it is a choice between breaking the laws of S. But a more likely possibility is that I would have found ways to be S. Over time I stopped participating in activities I had previously enjoyed because I no longer wanted to bother.

Yes it is true that maybe I would have decided not to be S. I was crying myself to sleep every night and then later I started crying at other times like on the subway on the way to work. I was tired all the time but jittery and would spend all night watching the food channel and nickelodeon.

Then I started spacing out at work and forgetting things.

This all happened slowly over a period of months and weeks.

Finally there came a day that I could not get out of bed in the morning and I called in sick. I used all my sick days to lie on the couch watching the Iron Chef and wanting to die.

When I ran out of sick days I called my doctor and made an appointment and that is how I started getting help.

I wish I had called my doctor before that when I first started feeling so sad but you live and you learn. But I do not feel as pathetic as I did a few months ago because I have never been kissed.

The feelings I express in this blog are not half as depressing as what I would have said just a few months before. It means a lot to me to know that there are others in my situation who are strong and relatively happy and it also means a lot to me to know that there are people out there who been kissed and even had more sexual relationships who also are feeling sad.

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